Daffodils -- Strength and Impermanence

​Dear friends,
As we transition from winter to spring, with the wild temperature fluctuations and sprouting of daffodils and other spring time flowers, I am aware of Life:  both the strength and impermanence of Life.
 
One of the things that impermanence teaches us is non-attachment and the gifts in letting go of attachment and expectations. When it comes to dear ones and life, it’s also important to remember to take hold, to really take hold and take in. Breathe in and receive the present moment with all that it holds. And then only after you’ve taken hold do you let go. Mary Oliver speaks to this beautifully:
 

      …
Everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

                                Mary Oliver
                                In Blackwater Woods (excerpt)
​

I feel honored that I had time to be with and hold my first born daughter, Eleanor:  to love what is mortal, to hold her against my bones and my heart – knowing my own life depended on it, and when the time came, I had to let her go.
 
Eleanor teaches me how close the spirit world is to all of us. I feel her near me often, and I only need to pause my busyness to slow down and feel her presence with me. In my experience, her spirit is no longer that of a baby, but instead that of a young woman. I’m often conflicted with the question ‘how many children do I have,’ because I wholeheartedly feel and know that I have two children: 1 Spirit daughter and 1 Earthly daughter. They’re both with me, just in different ways. It can make for an awkward first conversation when someone is just getting to know me, so I usually answer ‘1 child’ since their unspoken reference point is usually, ‘how many do you have here in the physical realm.’

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​ 
One of the ways I’ve been connecting with Eleanor is through gardening. A dear friend, Peg Kotlewski, has been teaching me about planting bulbs. I love getting my hands in the dirt and connecting with Life, Spirit and Earth in this way. Eleanor was born March 7th, 2015 just as the daffodils were sprouting forth from the earth. Eleanor in many ways showed such strength and fortitude, just as the daffodils face the fluctuating temperatures and even possible impending ice or snow storm. Eleanor Ruth Wepner was so strong, yet she also arrived with a genetic condition known as Trisomy 18. Even though it is genetic, it is not necessarily hereditary. Eleanor’s version of Trisomy is an unknown anomaly. No one knows why it happens.
 
I had a beautiful home birth, and immediately upon birth we knew something wasn’t right. Her features were similar to that of Downs Syndrome and she was very tiny even though carried to full term. I was lucky to have had her at home, because I was able to spend two hours of physical contact with her while her health was stable. Her eyes open wide, she took in her mother and her father, studying us and putting faces with our voices. We then spent 3 days in the NICU and another 3 days in the hospital family room. We kept expecting her to leave us at any moment and yet she kept hanging in there. She wanted to be with us as long as she was able. We were discharged under Hospice care and went home. Eleanor lived a total of 2 weeks and what a life full of love she lived with us. We said good-bye to Eleanor March 22nd, 2015.
 
I would have liked to have known her longer, to watch her learn and play and grow. I also know this is how she chose it. Life on Eleanor’s terms. 
​

Facing impermanence in life is still challenging for me after such a deep loss. And yet as I sit in nature and with nature, with the budding and blooming daffodils, I see there is a way to life that is unbeknownst to me. I also see impermanence, strength and beauty. This life we live is impermanent. Let us all take Mary Oliver’s words to heart and truly love what is mortal, truly take hold of that love - deep into your body and bones as if your life depended on it, because it does, and then when the time comes and only when the time comes, do you let go. Truly let go.
 
From a deep love within my heart, I wish you all the best in your journeys of Love and Life.
 
Sincerely, 
~Janet Wepner

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In Loving Memory of Eleanor Ruth Wepner