A Sweet and Tender Remembering

As I enter the month of March, I personally enter a time of deep reflection. I enjoy the beauty of the daffodils springing forth, and I bow my head to my heart in remembrance of my first born daughter, Eleanor.
 
Eleanor Ruth Wepner was born on March 7th, 2015. She had a rare condition known as Trisomy 18 which is much more severe than Down Syndrome (Trisomy 21). She lived for 2 weeks. Her condition had not shown up in my prenatal care, so it came as a surprise. The condition affects the internal organs and many times babies do not survive pregnancy or birth. Eleanor’s strength, courage and determination carried her through, while the condition affected her heart the most. We had a beautiful home birth. Upon her birth, we also knew immediately that she would need medical care, so after two sweet hours of bonding she began to have trouble breathing and we left for the hospital. She stayed in the NICU for 2 days and the “family bonding room” at the NICU for 3 days. We then went home with her and had the wonderful care of Hospice. Eleanor’s spirit left her body on March 22nd, 2015. I was in shock, pain, disbelief and grief for many months that followed. I suffered a loss that every mother fears, and that no mother should have to endure, although many do.
 
And now, I continue to grieve the loss of my 1st born daughter, yet my grieving is different. The hardness of the pain of the original wound has dissipated and what is left is a tender, soft pain and a sweet remembering of my pregnancy, labor, birth and the few weeks we spent with her. Occasionally Eleanor visits me in my dreams and we are reunited once again. Oh how joyous my heart is during and after her visits. I also associate the owl with her, so anytime I see an owl or hear an owl, I say a prayer and hello to her. ​

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Last year was fairly difficult for me on her birthday, since it had only been one year after her passing. It felt very strange and surreal. Something felt like it was sorely missing, and that’s because indeed something was missing. I’m glad for family and friends, like Elizabeth, who met me for lunch that day. This year I’ll be lighting a candle for Eleanor on March 7th (would be her 2nd birthday) as well as on March 22nd; I’ll be remembering her, honoring her and her life, and teaching Eliza about her amazing older sister. I’ve also found an illustrator for a children’s book in the making, based off the poem that a dear friend, Peg Kotlewski wrote in honor of Eleanor. Peg and I have made some additions and edits, and I have created a few rough draft sketches. It will take time. This part of the journey is all new to me, so I’m taking it slowly and mindfully. 
 
It is also important for me to note, that Eliza has in no way, shape or form, filled the hole that was created in my heart by Eleanor’s loss. Nor do I expect Eliza to be a certain way to fill that space. Eleanor is my first born and Eliza is my second born. My heart and love expands to hold both of them, as any mother experiences with more than one child.
 
This is a time of sweet and tender remembering. Others who met Eleanor or who followed us on Facebook also continue to keep her memory alive. I feel so ever grateful for the arms of our loving community. Through these arms, my heart, even though missing a piece, can soar once again.
 
I have included Peg’s original poem below in honor and memory of a brave, courageous and wise soul, my 1st born daughter, Eleanor Ruth Wepner.

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    ~ Janet Wepner
           2-28-17
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​"Eleanor Blooms"
          by Peg Kotlewski

A delicate flower bloomed in earth's garden.
In the dew of early morning, she
Uncurled elf-eared leaves and 
Opened a tiny golden star of 
Blossom.
She cradled in the sheltering roots
Of two strong young trees. As 
Though an angel had planted her there.
Through brief days her sweet
Presence made all who passed her
Smile, sigh, and walk away forever
Changed.
Now she lingers in the garden of
Heart's memory. Enriching it with
Unforgotten love and the knowing
That in a Greater Garden under the
First Gardener's tender care,
Eleanor blooms and it is eternally
Spring.